Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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