his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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