Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
