exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
