My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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