I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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