did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
