How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
