i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
