she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
