I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
