Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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