hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
