when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize