why im i the only drunk person in the library?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
