I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
