i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
