i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
