it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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