If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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