I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
