i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
