Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
