The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
