things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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