It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
