I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
