just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
