Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize