I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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