so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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