I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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