dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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