so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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