Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
