I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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