Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
