a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
