I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
