I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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