checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize