she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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