I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
