You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
