I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
