The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
