you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize