You're my little dorito
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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