btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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