Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
