The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
