I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
