the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
