i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
