i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
