Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
