Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
