I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
