So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
