I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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