he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize