The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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