tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize