I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
