if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
