Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
