Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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