Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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