and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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